Rats! And thank goodness! I've been blocked out of this blog site for around 2 weeks. I finally broke in today thought I don't know how it happened. There was a redirect that was occurring as I tried logging in and I'd end up at some other sight. Not quite a virus or anything vulgar... just not the right place.
So catching my breath this Saturday morning. I think it's been 2 weeks or so since I posted. In that time, Dad has managed to stay reasonably healthy. Mom is having depression issues. They seem to be talking in code about dying but it's not hard to figure it out especially when Mom talks about "the plan." We're doing all we can to keep them comfortable and entertained but it isn't easy. Dad goes in for a needle biopsy on Feb 3 at 6:30 am. The docs expect his lung to collapse and to have to use a chest tube so we've been told to anticipate a 2 or 3 day hospital stay. Ok. I can deal with that as long as I know going in.
My doctoral work is challenging but I'm having trouble focusing. I have met all the deadlines so far this semester but have 2 papers due tomorrow so will be up late tonight working on them. I also have class today for our Peru trip. This weekend is a relief for me. This past week began my excruciatingly complex 10 week schedule of teaching for a Belgium company with locations here and north in Rogers AR. I start at 5 am on Tuesdays and finish at 8 pm on Thursdays. I felt bad for my students Thursday night because I was clearly spent and the energy they normally would get just wasn't anywhere to be found. I am taking off on Fridays 8 of the next 10 weeks since I'm also working Saturdays.
So my Friday yesterday was spectaculr. It was 70 degrees! Jill and her bf Adam took our 2 Westies and his Shitzu-Bichon to the dog park. I took Dad for a bit so he could see them in action. Our dog park is a wonderful 35 acre property with a small lake. The dogs have a great time though they always need a bath afterwards. He enjoyed sitting on a bench with Izzie up on the bench with him. Then we drove out through Fort Chaffee to see the new construction from Mitsubishi, Mars Petcare (Ceasar dog food), Umarex air guns, PRADCO outdoor brands and another new company. He'd hadn't been through there in years and seemed to enjoy the tour. I even had to slow down a few times for him to look at the construction project cutting the new interstate through the area. After we were done, we picked up Mom and went for manicure. Mom wanted Dad to have one as well. Then we picked up a new script at the pharmacy and went home. No bickering or whining or any of the sort. It was really a nice day.
I saw my own doc yesterday. Well, it wasn't the doc but the nurse practitioner. I told her my doc had said that I was stout enough to survive a nuclear blast in spite of being overweight. She said I AM surviving a nuclear blast every day with the stress I have. Ha! I told her that the emotions are barely able to be contained and always just under the surface. She suggested instead of taking a Lunesta at bed time I consider using an antidepressant for short term. So I'm going to pick up that script for me today. I hope it helps but doesn't make me foggy.
Today is to be a repeat of the weather yesterday but then rain and snow are back in the forecast this week.
Derek and Gaby have their save the date cards designed and will be printed and mailed by next weekend. When I go to OKC next Saturday, we'll go wedding dress shopping. Thank goodness I have the happiness around our May Inca trip to Peru, planning a wedding, and the wedding trip to Peru in December to give me happy thoughts. Oh, and that nice afternoon yesterday. Rare days like that surely are diamonds.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
My what a difference a day can make
Just as I finished that last post, Dad was taken by Kris to ER. He had problems breathing and was very week. Turns out he is anemic and needed 2 unites of blood. He ended up staying until being discharged at 10:15 pm -- yes pm -- yesterday.
Dr. A conducted another bronchoscopy because the CT showed the mass in his lung had grown. It's now at 4.5 cm. The doc had a few samples and located the mass behind his airway. That makes it hard to get to. But Dad isn't a candidate for surgery anyhow.
Jill is being so so helpful. She took care of Mom last night putting her to bed. Today she's gotten the 5 new scripts filled, checked on problems with dad's pulse-ox reader, did their banking, and hung out a bit to be sure they were doing ok.
Wow our next week is scary! I teach for Owens Corning Monday - Friday from 8 - 5 with no lunch break. Lunches are in the classroom as part of a "working meeting." YUCK! But the really frustrating part is that I am the one who goes to the docs with Dad and he now has 1 lab and 2 doc appointments next week. Mom has 2 doc appointments but Lori takes her to those. The following Monday Mom has 1 more doc appointment and I take her to that doc.
People who don't have seriously or acutely ill parents have no comprehension of the strain it creates. I could talk about the emotional strain but I've done that now for weeks. I could mention the physical strain as well -- and that most of us end up in poor health (e.g. my Dad now) as a result. There's also the time strain as you figure out what in your old life you can eliminate to make time for the new demands. Then there is the financial strain. The cost of the illness can be measured in dollars for meds or dollars for co-pay's. But it can also be measured in lost productivity. I missed 11 hours of work this week. I'm salaried so technically my check won't be short. But I have a heavy workload. That trade off shows up on Saturday or Sunday when I'll work all day at the office or tote it all home and work from there.
On a lighter note, I am so happy to hear that Herman Cain is thinking about running for president. I love that man and could listen to him all day long. He's brilliant and business savvy and a man with a good heart. Now The Donald is not only list of exciting possible contenders. But it's shaping up to be an interesting election cycle. I look forward to hearing from Herman the next few months and hope the American voters will too.
The day is winding down. I should pack up so I can tote all that stuff home. I have 2 grueling weeks ahead. As I told Derek this morning, however, the 2 trips to Peru are the light in my day. And helping Gab plan a yet unannounced wedding is already shaping up to be loads of fun. Oh yeah, remember financial strain in that paragraph above? Um. Yeah.
Dr. A conducted another bronchoscopy because the CT showed the mass in his lung had grown. It's now at 4.5 cm. The doc had a few samples and located the mass behind his airway. That makes it hard to get to. But Dad isn't a candidate for surgery anyhow.
Jill is being so so helpful. She took care of Mom last night putting her to bed. Today she's gotten the 5 new scripts filled, checked on problems with dad's pulse-ox reader, did their banking, and hung out a bit to be sure they were doing ok.
Wow our next week is scary! I teach for Owens Corning Monday - Friday from 8 - 5 with no lunch break. Lunches are in the classroom as part of a "working meeting." YUCK! But the really frustrating part is that I am the one who goes to the docs with Dad and he now has 1 lab and 2 doc appointments next week. Mom has 2 doc appointments but Lori takes her to those. The following Monday Mom has 1 more doc appointment and I take her to that doc.
People who don't have seriously or acutely ill parents have no comprehension of the strain it creates. I could talk about the emotional strain but I've done that now for weeks. I could mention the physical strain as well -- and that most of us end up in poor health (e.g. my Dad now) as a result. There's also the time strain as you figure out what in your old life you can eliminate to make time for the new demands. Then there is the financial strain. The cost of the illness can be measured in dollars for meds or dollars for co-pay's. But it can also be measured in lost productivity. I missed 11 hours of work this week. I'm salaried so technically my check won't be short. But I have a heavy workload. That trade off shows up on Saturday or Sunday when I'll work all day at the office or tote it all home and work from there.
On a lighter note, I am so happy to hear that Herman Cain is thinking about running for president. I love that man and could listen to him all day long. He's brilliant and business savvy and a man with a good heart. Now The Donald is not only list of exciting possible contenders. But it's shaping up to be an interesting election cycle. I look forward to hearing from Herman the next few months and hope the American voters will too.
The day is winding down. I should pack up so I can tote all that stuff home. I have 2 grueling weeks ahead. As I told Derek this morning, however, the 2 trips to Peru are the light in my day. And helping Gab plan a yet unannounced wedding is already shaping up to be loads of fun. Oh yeah, remember financial strain in that paragraph above? Um. Yeah.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Nicer times
In spite of the circumstances, we had a good weekend. My mom's brother-in-law is headed to Duke for assessment for lung transplant. Saturday evening, Lori took Mom and Dad to Mass with this uncle and his wife as well as a handful of other family members. It did my parents wonders to get out of the house! Yesterday I ran by after Derek and his crew had headed back to OKC in the snow. I was visiting with everyone and sharing cookies from Peru. These little cookies were hand made and iced by 9-yr old Luciana who is adorable with a capital A. Mom really liked the flavor so we're going to get the recipe if Luciana will share it.
As I visited about the upcoming week, they ran out of Poppycock popcorn. The snow had started to come down pretty steadily so I offered to venture out to the one nearby store that sold it. I got 8 bags! I know they don't need that much today but I told Dad that if it made Mom happy to know she had that much on reserve, that's fine with me. I also found a great deal on another of their favorite candies. When I returned Dad was lighting the fireplace. Mom's started to have some visual sensations though we aren't sure exactly to what extent. The fireplace opening is a half moon (very pretty) so he had one side shut and asked if she could see a fire. And she correctly said there is light on that sad and pointed the right way! But she couldn't make out it was flames. But that's good!
We reviewed the plans for the doc visits for the week. Mom has a protime today but since it has snowed and many offices are closed, I think Lori will reschedule it. Dad has an appt tomorrow with Dr. A. I teach 6 am - 10 am in Van Buren so will drive like a bat out of you-know-where to get back to Fort Smith, pick him up, and get to the appointment. I'd planned to take Mom which would have added more time to the trip but the weather has caused her to opt out of going.
Mom and Dad were both very much in good spirits. They talked about Derek's wedding plans and that he'd given the wedding planner $8,000 (which comes to $24,000 Soles) and hoped that would cover all the stuff in Peru. Gaby asked me to shop with her for a dress here in the states so that she has it to take with her rather than trying to find one there on a short notice. We also have started working on the U.S. reception and started picking out cakes.
That kind of talk was fun for them.
So a good day...
As I visited about the upcoming week, they ran out of Poppycock popcorn. The snow had started to come down pretty steadily so I offered to venture out to the one nearby store that sold it. I got 8 bags! I know they don't need that much today but I told Dad that if it made Mom happy to know she had that much on reserve, that's fine with me. I also found a great deal on another of their favorite candies. When I returned Dad was lighting the fireplace. Mom's started to have some visual sensations though we aren't sure exactly to what extent. The fireplace opening is a half moon (very pretty) so he had one side shut and asked if she could see a fire. And she correctly said there is light on that sad and pointed the right way! But she couldn't make out it was flames. But that's good!
We reviewed the plans for the doc visits for the week. Mom has a protime today but since it has snowed and many offices are closed, I think Lori will reschedule it. Dad has an appt tomorrow with Dr. A. I teach 6 am - 10 am in Van Buren so will drive like a bat out of you-know-where to get back to Fort Smith, pick him up, and get to the appointment. I'd planned to take Mom which would have added more time to the trip but the weather has caused her to opt out of going.
Mom and Dad were both very much in good spirits. They talked about Derek's wedding plans and that he'd given the wedding planner $8,000 (which comes to $24,000 Soles) and hoped that would cover all the stuff in Peru. Gaby asked me to shop with her for a dress here in the states so that she has it to take with her rather than trying to find one there on a short notice. We also have started working on the U.S. reception and started picking out cakes.
That kind of talk was fun for them.
So a good day...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Nobody's home
Today was my first day back at work. It was one of those kind when the boss says nothing right and everything wrong. For instance, observing that my mother's quality of life is so poor that she'd be better off gone. You see, that's not something anyone else has a right to say. Sure, I can. My sisters might. But please, don't tell me that unless you're with me on the journey. To make matters worse, I think she tried to be empathetic by talking about how her own mother is driving her nuts. Her mothers is in her 80's and lives with my boss. She's had a small cancer remvoed from her leg and her vision in one of her eyes is greatly diminished. I couldn't help but finally say thank goodness for you that she can still move on her own and has vision. For Pete's sake, either one of those two life functions is monumental.
It had been planned for me to take my dad to the doc today and then on to another clinic for blood work. When I arrived to pick him up and help load my mother so she could go along, nobody answered the door. I knocked and rang the bell. All the while I was thinking how much I needed to do at work. I called the house number and it rang. I called my dad's cell and he answered as nonchalantly as ever saying they were at the doctor's office. I was stupefied. So I got in my car and headed over to the doc. They'd arrived nearly an hour early via my mom's brother. This brother hates established medicine and was a little vocal with"hell" and "shit" and such. He thinks most doctors are quacks and over prescribe meds. But my parents were in a jovial tone with him. He asked what I was doing there and I told him we always go to the appointments with them. I had my clipboard with all my dad's meds on it, his current medical issues, etc. I also had the sheet for his labwork orders.
Although my uncle was a dear for helping out, I got the impression I was the enemy. My parents started talking about ordering drugs from Canada, dad skipping his dose for a month or two until they got it worked out, and so on. This uncle wasn't aware that they were seeing a cardiologist for congestive heart failure but that he also needed the lab work for his pulmonologist who is treating his COPD and enphysemia as well as the infectious disease doc for the aspergilleosis. For God's sake, if it was just 1 doctor we wouldn't be exhausted!
I found it odd that as we sat in the waiting room, the 3 of them took to discussing the ills of others. This person has it so bad. That person is in poor health. I finally chimed in that if they truth was told, Dad was in at least as poor shape as the ones they were talking about. Oh no, they all added, that just wasn't the case.
I wanted to scream and cry. I'd watched my dad fight for his life and over these last 94 days, nearly 20 days of it was on ventilators and life support and over half of it in the hospital. What don't they get? Mom can't see so I give her a little slack. But my uncle? He saw my dad on the vent. I remember the frightening things Dad told me during his ICU psychosis. Maybe they are just trying to create a sensation of others having it worse. I don't know but I am tired of it.
When we were called back to the exam room, my parents were a cute old couple. The good doc told my dad that his peptides were up indicating he'd had a heart "event" while he was on the vent and probably had another "event" the week before last. He said that Dad's hear is still at 45% output but that is the same as it was in 2005. He told Dad that he would not survive any procedure to treat the leaky valve and that the lungs are the real issue. He looked at me and talked about Dad having been on the vent and in ICU so much and that "you've all been through so much" and how he wishes he could wave a magic wand and correct it all. How sweet -- someone finally acknowledged my sisters and me. He told Dad and Mom that both of them should be thankful for each day they wake up and live it to the fullest as best they can. He indicated the situation was grim. He told my dad that he had no restrictions other than avoiding extreme temperatures. I asked about pushing Mom up/down the ramp. The Doc said absolutely not because the would trigger a heart event. He then said anything that causes shortness of breath must be avoided.
The doc talked about Canadian meds. He's still licensed in Canada so can legally dispense such but said the exchange rate is no longer favorable enough to make it worthwhile AND that this is such a delicate issue (aspergilliosis) that it must be followed with lab work monthly. Before we left, Dad gave the doc a tin of high end holiday candy and nuts. It was so sweet. My parents always do that for the docs. Even this year when money is tight and minds are fleeting, they remembered the gifts for the docs.
We made the follow up appointments. I realized we are taking mom to the doctor every week for the next 4 weeks and then dad the 2 weeks that follow that.
Because my uncle had ridden along, we now had to go back to the house to drop him off and dropped Mom off as well. Then I took Dad to the lab for his bloodwork. We talked to Dr. A's nurse about the VFend refill as well as the Pfizer RSVP program. She's to call me tomorrow with updates. As we were leaving, Dad remarked how nice it was to be literally outside instead of in the house. Poor thing. He's so busy caring for mom and too weak to venture far. Pop didn't remember any of our plans for the day -- he's taken to keeping a paper calendar in his pocket. As he got in the car with his large O2 tank, I noticed he had a flashlight in his hip pocket. My poor Pop. I wonder what he thought he needed that for.
Thank you, God, for giving me Lori. When either of us melts we can count on the other to lift us up. And she was doing lots of heavy lifting today. She talked to me the whole way back to work and then called me when I was back at my office to talk some more. I had to stay late to make up the work I'd missed. But another day is in the record books. And Kris won't have to hear any of this. Her burden begins when she returns "home" from work each day. I hope she has a better night than I did day.
It had been planned for me to take my dad to the doc today and then on to another clinic for blood work. When I arrived to pick him up and help load my mother so she could go along, nobody answered the door. I knocked and rang the bell. All the while I was thinking how much I needed to do at work. I called the house number and it rang. I called my dad's cell and he answered as nonchalantly as ever saying they were at the doctor's office. I was stupefied. So I got in my car and headed over to the doc. They'd arrived nearly an hour early via my mom's brother. This brother hates established medicine and was a little vocal with"hell" and "shit" and such. He thinks most doctors are quacks and over prescribe meds. But my parents were in a jovial tone with him. He asked what I was doing there and I told him we always go to the appointments with them. I had my clipboard with all my dad's meds on it, his current medical issues, etc. I also had the sheet for his labwork orders.
Although my uncle was a dear for helping out, I got the impression I was the enemy. My parents started talking about ordering drugs from Canada, dad skipping his dose for a month or two until they got it worked out, and so on. This uncle wasn't aware that they were seeing a cardiologist for congestive heart failure but that he also needed the lab work for his pulmonologist who is treating his COPD and enphysemia as well as the infectious disease doc for the aspergilleosis. For God's sake, if it was just 1 doctor we wouldn't be exhausted!
I found it odd that as we sat in the waiting room, the 3 of them took to discussing the ills of others. This person has it so bad. That person is in poor health. I finally chimed in that if they truth was told, Dad was in at least as poor shape as the ones they were talking about. Oh no, they all added, that just wasn't the case.
I wanted to scream and cry. I'd watched my dad fight for his life and over these last 94 days, nearly 20 days of it was on ventilators and life support and over half of it in the hospital. What don't they get? Mom can't see so I give her a little slack. But my uncle? He saw my dad on the vent. I remember the frightening things Dad told me during his ICU psychosis. Maybe they are just trying to create a sensation of others having it worse. I don't know but I am tired of it.
When we were called back to the exam room, my parents were a cute old couple. The good doc told my dad that his peptides were up indicating he'd had a heart "event" while he was on the vent and probably had another "event" the week before last. He said that Dad's hear is still at 45% output but that is the same as it was in 2005. He told Dad that he would not survive any procedure to treat the leaky valve and that the lungs are the real issue. He looked at me and talked about Dad having been on the vent and in ICU so much and that "you've all been through so much" and how he wishes he could wave a magic wand and correct it all. How sweet -- someone finally acknowledged my sisters and me. He told Dad and Mom that both of them should be thankful for each day they wake up and live it to the fullest as best they can. He indicated the situation was grim. He told my dad that he had no restrictions other than avoiding extreme temperatures. I asked about pushing Mom up/down the ramp. The Doc said absolutely not because the would trigger a heart event. He then said anything that causes shortness of breath must be avoided.
The doc talked about Canadian meds. He's still licensed in Canada so can legally dispense such but said the exchange rate is no longer favorable enough to make it worthwhile AND that this is such a delicate issue (aspergilliosis) that it must be followed with lab work monthly. Before we left, Dad gave the doc a tin of high end holiday candy and nuts. It was so sweet. My parents always do that for the docs. Even this year when money is tight and minds are fleeting, they remembered the gifts for the docs.
We made the follow up appointments. I realized we are taking mom to the doctor every week for the next 4 weeks and then dad the 2 weeks that follow that.
Because my uncle had ridden along, we now had to go back to the house to drop him off and dropped Mom off as well. Then I took Dad to the lab for his bloodwork. We talked to Dr. A's nurse about the VFend refill as well as the Pfizer RSVP program. She's to call me tomorrow with updates. As we were leaving, Dad remarked how nice it was to be literally outside instead of in the house. Poor thing. He's so busy caring for mom and too weak to venture far. Pop didn't remember any of our plans for the day -- he's taken to keeping a paper calendar in his pocket. As he got in the car with his large O2 tank, I noticed he had a flashlight in his hip pocket. My poor Pop. I wonder what he thought he needed that for.
Thank you, God, for giving me Lori. When either of us melts we can count on the other to lift us up. And she was doing lots of heavy lifting today. She talked to me the whole way back to work and then called me when I was back at my office to talk some more. I had to stay late to make up the work I'd missed. But another day is in the record books. And Kris won't have to hear any of this. Her burden begins when she returns "home" from work each day. I hope she has a better night than I did day.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Air filters
My mom has been obsessed over the air filter in the heating unit in the garage. The unit is old (if being made in the in 70's make it old) and none of us girls could figure out how to open or change it. Mom is convinced that is what has caused dad to get sick. Today my darling Steve finally figured out the old Lennox system and replaced the filter. Yay! As soon as we told her, she started harping about changing it monthly. Baby steps. I know. Baby steps. I suggested she consider reducing use of chemicals in the house as well -- the lady never met a potpourri, candle, scented soap, etc., she didn't like! In fact, Steve can't stay in the place very long without having to go out for fresh air. But her mind will probably forget this part of the conversation. So that's ok.
Tomorrow Dad has a follow up with the cardiologist and then bloodwork at a separate clinic for his infectious disease doc. Mom has bellyached about how she isn't allowed to go with him so I made sure today to tell her that if her CNA will load her in the van at 1:15, she can go with us. Even though I will have to miss more work than I would like, it will appease her. I realize he is her husband and she wants to know what the doctor says but I have little patience for the silly questions she repeatedly asks or her poor social skills in public. But tomorrow I will be a good daughter. I won't have time to run her home between the 2 appointments and I can't miss half a day of work. So she'll ride with us to the lab, I'll drop dad off and park the van with it still running, to in and check dad in with his lab sheets, then go sit in the van with mom. As soon as he's done will pull up to the door, pick him up, take them home, I'll unload her and get her into the house and then go back to work.
Silly me. I have a broken crown that needs immediate attention. It cracked NY Eve. My dentist said he'll work me in but I can't splurge the time on Monday with everything I am doing for my parents. So maybe I can get him to see my during a lunch break on Tuesday.
Jill and her bf Adam have returned today from Southaven, MS. It looks as those he is completely moved to Fort Smith. Even his dog Gizmo (shitz-on: shitzu and bichon frise) is in town. I'm so glad she is home and has no travel plans for a while. She's her own person but also helps keep me centered when this world around me is spinning out of control. Derek and Gaby called from Peru. They are headed back from her family's beach house to Lima. They return to the U.S. on Tuesday.
That's another grounding I have. A son with a great fiance and who have plans for their future. Her sister Beatriz is coming back with them and will spend 1 weekend with us (next weekend) and 2 weeks in February. She's going to be my guide when I take the students to Peru in May. So this is a great bonding opportunity. It will also be fun for us girls to work on planning a wedding.
And speaking of weddings, the idea of using the bed & breakfast jsut a few hundred yards away from the beach house for our family is out of the questions. The rooms go for $200 US a night! But Gaby's dad Julio thinks that the neighbors with houses on either side of theirs will rent to us. That has me stoked. I'd love to rent both and have plenty of space for the 3 nights we'd be at the beach. In total, that should provide us with enough sleeping capacity for 20 people... and about 6 bathrooms and 2 kitchens and living areas, 2 casitas... and we'd all be together for NY Eve. We could walk to the the beach chapel for church at 7 pm, return for the traditional dinner at 10 and then dance and eat lucky grapes on the terrace at midnight. I imagine such a splendid time for us all.
Let me explain a little more about beach houses... they are what we'd call condos. They are 2 stories with the lower level having a dining room and living room that open onto a paved/stamped/stone terrace. Just down 8 steps or so is the beach. Nothing stands between the bedroom windows upstairs and the waves crashing on the shore. No road. No towering hotels. Nothing.
These are the happy thoughts that help me remember today's challenges are temporary. I pray a miracle would happen that would permit one or both my parents to be healthy enough to travel to Peru with us next December. But if they aren't here, I'll be much happier in a foreign country away from the routine we've had for years as I learn to embrace holidays without my parents. So from a pragmatic view, this is smart.
So back to the real world. Tomorrow is a workday and shuttling parents to doctors. I'm tired just thinking about it. I love my parents immensely and will do what I can to ease their suffering. And God, if you're reading this, please send more lucid and happy moments their way. They are good people who have always played by the rules, worked hard, and cared for others. Please give them a little joy these next few weeks.
Tomorrow Dad has a follow up with the cardiologist and then bloodwork at a separate clinic for his infectious disease doc. Mom has bellyached about how she isn't allowed to go with him so I made sure today to tell her that if her CNA will load her in the van at 1:15, she can go with us. Even though I will have to miss more work than I would like, it will appease her. I realize he is her husband and she wants to know what the doctor says but I have little patience for the silly questions she repeatedly asks or her poor social skills in public. But tomorrow I will be a good daughter. I won't have time to run her home between the 2 appointments and I can't miss half a day of work. So she'll ride with us to the lab, I'll drop dad off and park the van with it still running, to in and check dad in with his lab sheets, then go sit in the van with mom. As soon as he's done will pull up to the door, pick him up, take them home, I'll unload her and get her into the house and then go back to work.
Silly me. I have a broken crown that needs immediate attention. It cracked NY Eve. My dentist said he'll work me in but I can't splurge the time on Monday with everything I am doing for my parents. So maybe I can get him to see my during a lunch break on Tuesday.
Jill and her bf Adam have returned today from Southaven, MS. It looks as those he is completely moved to Fort Smith. Even his dog Gizmo (shitz-on: shitzu and bichon frise) is in town. I'm so glad she is home and has no travel plans for a while. She's her own person but also helps keep me centered when this world around me is spinning out of control. Derek and Gaby called from Peru. They are headed back from her family's beach house to Lima. They return to the U.S. on Tuesday.
That's another grounding I have. A son with a great fiance and who have plans for their future. Her sister Beatriz is coming back with them and will spend 1 weekend with us (next weekend) and 2 weeks in February. She's going to be my guide when I take the students to Peru in May. So this is a great bonding opportunity. It will also be fun for us girls to work on planning a wedding.
And speaking of weddings, the idea of using the bed & breakfast jsut a few hundred yards away from the beach house for our family is out of the questions. The rooms go for $200 US a night! But Gaby's dad Julio thinks that the neighbors with houses on either side of theirs will rent to us. That has me stoked. I'd love to rent both and have plenty of space for the 3 nights we'd be at the beach. In total, that should provide us with enough sleeping capacity for 20 people... and about 6 bathrooms and 2 kitchens and living areas, 2 casitas... and we'd all be together for NY Eve. We could walk to the the beach chapel for church at 7 pm, return for the traditional dinner at 10 and then dance and eat lucky grapes on the terrace at midnight. I imagine such a splendid time for us all.
Let me explain a little more about beach houses... they are what we'd call condos. They are 2 stories with the lower level having a dining room and living room that open onto a paved/stamped/stone terrace. Just down 8 steps or so is the beach. Nothing stands between the bedroom windows upstairs and the waves crashing on the shore. No road. No towering hotels. Nothing.
These are the happy thoughts that help me remember today's challenges are temporary. I pray a miracle would happen that would permit one or both my parents to be healthy enough to travel to Peru with us next December. But if they aren't here, I'll be much happier in a foreign country away from the routine we've had for years as I learn to embrace holidays without my parents. So from a pragmatic view, this is smart.
So back to the real world. Tomorrow is a workday and shuttling parents to doctors. I'm tired just thinking about it. I love my parents immensely and will do what I can to ease their suffering. And God, if you're reading this, please send more lucid and happy moments their way. They are good people who have always played by the rules, worked hard, and cared for others. Please give them a little joy these next few weeks.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy 2011
The holiday season has finally ended. Tonight's final gathering was at the home of my mom's brother Randy. There was a good turn-out... somewhere near close to half of the brood. Lori had gotten mom ready today and she was wearing a new shirt I'd bought for her. All was relatively well until Mom brought up that she couldn't go to Dad's appointment with him. I think our aunts and uncles think my sisters and I are cruel and forbid to let her go but the truth is that we take off work to get the appointments handled and having to add an additional half hour or more to load/unload then reload/unload Mom is often just impossible for us to manage. Mom pouts and gets huffy when she doesn't get her way. She was always a bit like this but her stroke-damaged brain has caused it be far worse. In fact, some have said they think her mental capacity is deterioriating. For that matter, both parents are. The crazy part is they can be perfectly lucid one moment and vicious or bonkers the next.
My cousin Shelly said something that only my sisters and I have whispered to each other. We are in the process of mourning the loss of both of our parents. How true! And thank you God, for having that articulated by someone other than us. We feel guilty for thinking such. It is helpful though painful to hear someone else say it. My mom's siblings are struggling as well. They see the decline in cognition and are at a loss how to help. The depictions of us are no doubt distorted. We encouraged each to go visit and listen. We'll manage the doc appointments though taking mom every other week for a pro-time is something someone can help us with.
I feel numb tonight. I don't want the rest of the family to think we are horrible. Yet they aren't walking in our shoes. I love and adore the parents I used to have. But quite frequently I can't tolerate the hateful woman who now occupies my mother's body. She'd never be like this if it were her real mind. She'd never want to be so incapacitated that she can't feed herself with a fork or spoon. She'd never want to speak to someone across the table only to find out that person has already left. She can't see. Her body has betrayed her. Her bitterness is justified but the brunt of it goes to my dad. My Pop is a saint. Yes, he is sick and has dementia but how many other men do you know who would put ointment on the rectum of another person day in and day out and change the pads in her panties... or jump up to get cold water because the water in the glass is warm... or change the remote control because she can't operate the buttons.... or look for a coat that she insists is in the closet but no longer can be found. That's my Dad. That's his role. He complains some but only because he no sooner sits than another order is barked at him. Yet she can't see that he's sitting. Oh, what a mess it is.
My prediction for 2011 is that I won't have my parents -- even in their current state -- at the end of this year. And if I can survive this year with the pressure of parenting my parents, working full time, going to school, being a partner and not just a spouse, and remembering I'm a mother and doing motherly things... well then 2011 will be it for me as well. Now I'm not getting all freaked out here but my mom had a stroke at 57, my aunt died from a stroke at 45. Face it, females in the family who live his stress lifestyles don't have a good track record.
Then you'd think New Year's resolutions would be important. Yes, they are. I had exercised dutifully until my dad collapsed October 1. In those 3 months and 1 day, I no longer have time for myself like I did before. I've gained 17 pounds and don't exercise at all. I make bad food choices because I'm too tired to make good ones and haven't the time to plan ahead.
My respite is thinking of the 2 trips to Peru. Yes, they'll be lots of work but what a comforting diversion they offer. And my dear husband, Steve, is becoming more and more dear to me with each passing day. Maybe losing his own brother to suicide 3 years ago has helped him to know that none of us can truly understand the road another walks upon. He's a great guy, that Steve. He'll hand me my coat and keys and help me find my phone. He helps me keep it between the lines as I journey on this dark lonely highway.
My cousin Shelly said something that only my sisters and I have whispered to each other. We are in the process of mourning the loss of both of our parents. How true! And thank you God, for having that articulated by someone other than us. We feel guilty for thinking such. It is helpful though painful to hear someone else say it. My mom's siblings are struggling as well. They see the decline in cognition and are at a loss how to help. The depictions of us are no doubt distorted. We encouraged each to go visit and listen. We'll manage the doc appointments though taking mom every other week for a pro-time is something someone can help us with.
I feel numb tonight. I don't want the rest of the family to think we are horrible. Yet they aren't walking in our shoes. I love and adore the parents I used to have. But quite frequently I can't tolerate the hateful woman who now occupies my mother's body. She'd never be like this if it were her real mind. She'd never want to be so incapacitated that she can't feed herself with a fork or spoon. She'd never want to speak to someone across the table only to find out that person has already left. She can't see. Her body has betrayed her. Her bitterness is justified but the brunt of it goes to my dad. My Pop is a saint. Yes, he is sick and has dementia but how many other men do you know who would put ointment on the rectum of another person day in and day out and change the pads in her panties... or jump up to get cold water because the water in the glass is warm... or change the remote control because she can't operate the buttons.... or look for a coat that she insists is in the closet but no longer can be found. That's my Dad. That's his role. He complains some but only because he no sooner sits than another order is barked at him. Yet she can't see that he's sitting. Oh, what a mess it is.
My prediction for 2011 is that I won't have my parents -- even in their current state -- at the end of this year. And if I can survive this year with the pressure of parenting my parents, working full time, going to school, being a partner and not just a spouse, and remembering I'm a mother and doing motherly things... well then 2011 will be it for me as well. Now I'm not getting all freaked out here but my mom had a stroke at 57, my aunt died from a stroke at 45. Face it, females in the family who live his stress lifestyles don't have a good track record.
Then you'd think New Year's resolutions would be important. Yes, they are. I had exercised dutifully until my dad collapsed October 1. In those 3 months and 1 day, I no longer have time for myself like I did before. I've gained 17 pounds and don't exercise at all. I make bad food choices because I'm too tired to make good ones and haven't the time to plan ahead.
My respite is thinking of the 2 trips to Peru. Yes, they'll be lots of work but what a comforting diversion they offer. And my dear husband, Steve, is becoming more and more dear to me with each passing day. Maybe losing his own brother to suicide 3 years ago has helped him to know that none of us can truly understand the road another walks upon. He's a great guy, that Steve. He'll hand me my coat and keys and help me find my phone. He helps me keep it between the lines as I journey on this dark lonely highway.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)