How about my mother telling me she's going to knock my teeth out? If she had her vision and could move on her own, I would be worried. But she doesn't. While I love my mother with my whole being, I sure don't like her. Her condition is so deteriorated that she is miserable. Her mind doesn't work well quite a bit of the time so we have to take it with a grain of salt. But salt in a wound burns. And sometimes -- many times -- she is exhausting and hurtful. She'd be appalled if she knew how she was which is the only saving grace in this journey. I know she isn't who she really is.
Yesterday when I stopped by to check on them, she was picking fights. My dad holds her hand (he's commanded to do so) and then takes her nitpicking him mercilessly. His expressions was exhaustion and tears. I remember in the hospital last week how much better he looked. It's clear that my mother both physically and emotionally wears him out. I am torn about the idea of placing her in a home. She gripes about the care we give her but I know in a home she'd be placed in an adult undergarment, and not be cared for as she's used to being cared for. No doubt she her white count would sky rocket and she'd end up in one organ failure or another rather quickly.
So we carry on. Yesterday she had Dad calling to order pecans... 3 large bags from one of the specialty nut companies on the east coast. She heckled him while he was on the phone so he finally told the person he'd have to call back. When he got off the phone, she denied doing such. Lori asked her why she needed pecans and she said to bake. Dad asked her how in the hell she was going to bake and she said she forgot she was blind. This is the world we live in. How in the damn world can a person forget he or she is blind? But then she sees some movement and could detect Lori nudging Dad's foot to go along with her.
My maternal grandfathers was a mean man when he was old. But he too was sick. He'd eat early and go to bed before sunset. This is my mother now. If I arrive at their house by 6:30, they are in bed with the tv on. She's taken to pouting as well. When she gets mad and isn't being given adequate attention, she uses her lift chair to stand up, then uses her walker to go to the bedroom away from us all. She's antisocial with us but still craves attention of outsiders. Sadly, few come to visit. She isn't mean to them at all but they are all busy and its easy to ignore a shut-in. Did I just say my mother is a shut-in?
Yesterday she told my dad it's time for her to put her plan in action. He was forbidden from telling us what that plan may be. I can only speculate but it hurts too much to go very far down that road. Instead I'll be very busy today planning his doc appointments and lab work for next week and arranging my work schedule around it. I also need to purchase him a new pulse ox reader. I need to call about respite care on the outside hope that a weekend a month at a facility will help the situation. I need to take his drug paperwork to another doctor and see about ordering a refill of that $3k Vfend. Someday, I'll rest.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Time flies
but sometimes it stands still. While this seems like a Saturday over and over again, kind of like the Groundhog Day movie, it really is just Thursday before Christmas. The eve of Christmas Eve. I never really did any shopping this year. Nor do I have anything out other than my tree and the manger. I thought this week would be when the Christmas spirit swoops in and helps me find renewal. Instead, Pop ended up back in the hospital.
This time it's heart failure exacerbated by another pneumonia. At least this time everything moved quickly and he was discharged tonight. I hate hospitals. They give me headaches. We added up the hospital stays of our parents a while back and it came to something like 9 months of the last 10 years we've had a parent spending the night in the hospital. Yuck.
So I am tired. Thank goodness Jill is game for shopping and has done what little I had her do. And thank goodness my in-laws had Christmas last Saturday before Derek and Gaby headed to Peru. Tomorrow will be a strange Christmas. Jill will help me make spaghetti... the kind we like making together. We even hand crush our tomatoes. And we use pork and sirloin. And the bread crumbs soak in milk. And the fresh basil off the window sill. Anyhow, it's an all day production but is a wonderful comfort food. We'll sit in the dining room and probably open a bottle of wine. I hope we can enjoy the evening. I haven't figured out where Church fits in this year. I'm just tired of everything -- church included. Christmas Day will be quiet. Jill's bf will stay overnight with us for some odd reason. We aren't having gifts that morning. I suppose I can make a big breakfast. Mostly the day will be spent making my grandmother's dressing to take to my parents.
It's strange how things go. Every year my sisters and I made a big hoop-dee-do about taking family pictures for funeral cards. This year we probably won't do that. Death seems imminent. Though my Dad is more likely to succumb the soonest, my mother is the most miserable. It hurts to know her existence is such and I wish I could help her. But I'm afraid she's becoming mean spirited. I know it isn't her fault and she doesn't mean to sound and say what she does. Dementia is a cruel thing. What bugs me though is how she can be so very lucid and then in the next breath completely looloo. Tonight my Dad told me in private that he doesn't know how much more of her he can take. He's to his breaking point and had only been home a couple of hours.
My parents have always been my rock. These last 11 years since her first stroke, my mom has thanked me for being the grandmother to my nieces and nephews... the grandmother she'd always hoped to be but that a stroke robbed her of. I wonder now if she is resentful of me. Sometimes it feels like it. Heck, most of the time it feels like it. I don't understand why she is so angry at me. But I suppose I am strong enough to handle it if I can keep myself thinking that it spares my Dad and sisters. I don't think that's the case any more.
Where oh where did a regular life go? Why do so many people get off easy having parents who live to a ripe old age and then keeling over? Why do some families have so much suffering? I think what causes me the most disillusionment is knowing that my parents worked very long and hard jobs to provide for us and passed on to us a strong, invincible work ethic. Yet others who have none seem to have an easy path. I know, I know. Life isn't fair. But damn it, sometimes it'd be nice to not have the end of a stick. All I want is for my mom to see again. God, is that too much? Can you give us a little break here? She prayed hours on end for a miracle to be able to walk and what she got instead was another stroke that took her vision.
It's hard to have faith some days.
This time it's heart failure exacerbated by another pneumonia. At least this time everything moved quickly and he was discharged tonight. I hate hospitals. They give me headaches. We added up the hospital stays of our parents a while back and it came to something like 9 months of the last 10 years we've had a parent spending the night in the hospital. Yuck.
So I am tired. Thank goodness Jill is game for shopping and has done what little I had her do. And thank goodness my in-laws had Christmas last Saturday before Derek and Gaby headed to Peru. Tomorrow will be a strange Christmas. Jill will help me make spaghetti... the kind we like making together. We even hand crush our tomatoes. And we use pork and sirloin. And the bread crumbs soak in milk. And the fresh basil off the window sill. Anyhow, it's an all day production but is a wonderful comfort food. We'll sit in the dining room and probably open a bottle of wine. I hope we can enjoy the evening. I haven't figured out where Church fits in this year. I'm just tired of everything -- church included. Christmas Day will be quiet. Jill's bf will stay overnight with us for some odd reason. We aren't having gifts that morning. I suppose I can make a big breakfast. Mostly the day will be spent making my grandmother's dressing to take to my parents.
It's strange how things go. Every year my sisters and I made a big hoop-dee-do about taking family pictures for funeral cards. This year we probably won't do that. Death seems imminent. Though my Dad is more likely to succumb the soonest, my mother is the most miserable. It hurts to know her existence is such and I wish I could help her. But I'm afraid she's becoming mean spirited. I know it isn't her fault and she doesn't mean to sound and say what she does. Dementia is a cruel thing. What bugs me though is how she can be so very lucid and then in the next breath completely looloo. Tonight my Dad told me in private that he doesn't know how much more of her he can take. He's to his breaking point and had only been home a couple of hours.
My parents have always been my rock. These last 11 years since her first stroke, my mom has thanked me for being the grandmother to my nieces and nephews... the grandmother she'd always hoped to be but that a stroke robbed her of. I wonder now if she is resentful of me. Sometimes it feels like it. Heck, most of the time it feels like it. I don't understand why she is so angry at me. But I suppose I am strong enough to handle it if I can keep myself thinking that it spares my Dad and sisters. I don't think that's the case any more.
Where oh where did a regular life go? Why do so many people get off easy having parents who live to a ripe old age and then keeling over? Why do some families have so much suffering? I think what causes me the most disillusionment is knowing that my parents worked very long and hard jobs to provide for us and passed on to us a strong, invincible work ethic. Yet others who have none seem to have an easy path. I know, I know. Life isn't fair. But damn it, sometimes it'd be nice to not have the end of a stick. All I want is for my mom to see again. God, is that too much? Can you give us a little break here? She prayed hours on end for a miracle to be able to walk and what she got instead was another stroke that took her vision.
It's hard to have faith some days.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Busy week
I feel liberated today. What a hard week this was for me. The hardest class I've ever taken... final yesterday... required far more attention than I've ever given a class in my entire life. Let's toss in a hectic work schedule working 7 am to 5 pm and 3 nights of work as well teaching at local businesses. Did I mention family? That's what got me to this process in the first place so let me get back to the meat of the matter.
Dad had 2 visits with docs on Tuesday. The infectious disease doc is Lebanese and worked at MD Anderson 3 years. He was very thorough and very personable. We really like him. He said dad has a mold infection in the lungs and it is treatable if it isn't colonized. So the treatment with meds (twice daily) is $3k a month with insurance covering $2k. The doc wants us to apply for Pfizers RSV program for assistance. So we'll do that. He explained that he has to go back each month for liver function tests. After 3 months, some progress on a CT of the chest should be seen. If no progress (shrinking) then the mold is colonized or cancer is involved. This guy was nothing short of brilliant in our book. He also was smart enough to order dad's bloodwork the week prior to his next visit so they'd have the data handy when he sees us.
This clinic is wonderful. After Doc 1 left, the nurse came in and got us ready for Doc 2. Same room, no shuttling us around. Doc 2, the pulmonologist came in. Another great doc from Syria who has worked at Sloan-Kettering. This is the doc we've worked with since Oct 1. He's a charmer as well -- very sharp and personable. Then again, my Pop is one sweet little old man so it's hard not to like him! Dr. 2 told us that the 16 biopsies done on Black Friday (shopping, not sinister) hadn't revealed anything helpful but that Dr 1 was the one who said -- hey, this looks like it could be Aspergillus. It's not rare here but its not common either. Both docs conferred and so that's what we're treating at this point in time. Dr. 2 ordered the chest CT for March.
Now as to the state of our country's health care. Why on earth do brilliant, talented doctors come to the U.S.? Because we have the best health care research, development and delivery system in the world. Ask any of the foreign-born docs (which I've been doing) and they'll say so. So Congress, keep your hands out of my healthcare!
The final exam yesterday was terribly hard. If I pass it, it will be a miracle. I have a low D in that class going into the exam. I never made anything other than A's and occasional B's. This is definitely hard! But even if I have to retake the course, I am over halfway done with the coursework for my doctorate in Workforce Development Education. Technically, I could be done with the classroom work by next December.
The class I am leading to Peru in May to work at Huaca Pucllana is progressing. We had our first TeamPeru meeting on Friday afternoon. Jill is going -- and I'm really excited about that!
Jill is spending more time at her bf's apartment than at home. I've not noticed much in the last week since I was working or studying nearly 24/7. I have not bought a single holiday gift. Steve's birthday was yesterday -- a ripe 49. We're going out to lunch with his parents, Jill and her bf Adam, and a nephew at noon today.
Derek checked in with us last night. We'll do an early Gordon family Christmas on Dec 18 since he and Gaby are leaving for Lima on Dec 21. This will be a wedding planning trip for them. And I've agreed to pay for their dinner at Huaca Pucllana if they'll do some advance work for me at the site. When they return from Lima on January 7, Gaby's sister Beatriz will be with them. She's working on a veterinary degree and it's summer in Peru. So she's going to stay in the U.S. and shadow animal husbandry during those 2 months. Beatriz will also be our Lima hostess when I take my class so it will be good to get to know her better than we currently do. Two weeks in early February she will be here in Fort Smith with us while Derek and Gab are still in OKC. She'll be working at the farm with the cattle.
So we're busy and I'm tired. But only 3 more days of hard work this coming week and I can throttle back until January 4. Then it's all hands on deck as more contractual training for businesses gets started, regular teaching is back on, and I'm back to taking 2 classes of doctoral work.
My hairdresser of 10 years is moving to Dallas. She keeps reminding me this doctorate is for my grandkids. The ones I don't have yet. So that I can find work in South America if that's where they are living. It's a good plan. Maybe I'll start working on my Spanish again during this break from studying.
Dad had 2 visits with docs on Tuesday. The infectious disease doc is Lebanese and worked at MD Anderson 3 years. He was very thorough and very personable. We really like him. He said dad has a mold infection in the lungs and it is treatable if it isn't colonized. So the treatment with meds (twice daily) is $3k a month with insurance covering $2k. The doc wants us to apply for Pfizers RSV program for assistance. So we'll do that. He explained that he has to go back each month for liver function tests. After 3 months, some progress on a CT of the chest should be seen. If no progress (shrinking) then the mold is colonized or cancer is involved. This guy was nothing short of brilliant in our book. He also was smart enough to order dad's bloodwork the week prior to his next visit so they'd have the data handy when he sees us.
This clinic is wonderful. After Doc 1 left, the nurse came in and got us ready for Doc 2. Same room, no shuttling us around. Doc 2, the pulmonologist came in. Another great doc from Syria who has worked at Sloan-Kettering. This is the doc we've worked with since Oct 1. He's a charmer as well -- very sharp and personable. Then again, my Pop is one sweet little old man so it's hard not to like him! Dr. 2 told us that the 16 biopsies done on Black Friday (shopping, not sinister) hadn't revealed anything helpful but that Dr 1 was the one who said -- hey, this looks like it could be Aspergillus. It's not rare here but its not common either. Both docs conferred and so that's what we're treating at this point in time. Dr. 2 ordered the chest CT for March.
Now as to the state of our country's health care. Why on earth do brilliant, talented doctors come to the U.S.? Because we have the best health care research, development and delivery system in the world. Ask any of the foreign-born docs (which I've been doing) and they'll say so. So Congress, keep your hands out of my healthcare!
The final exam yesterday was terribly hard. If I pass it, it will be a miracle. I have a low D in that class going into the exam. I never made anything other than A's and occasional B's. This is definitely hard! But even if I have to retake the course, I am over halfway done with the coursework for my doctorate in Workforce Development Education. Technically, I could be done with the classroom work by next December.
The class I am leading to Peru in May to work at Huaca Pucllana is progressing. We had our first TeamPeru meeting on Friday afternoon. Jill is going -- and I'm really excited about that!
Jill is spending more time at her bf's apartment than at home. I've not noticed much in the last week since I was working or studying nearly 24/7. I have not bought a single holiday gift. Steve's birthday was yesterday -- a ripe 49. We're going out to lunch with his parents, Jill and her bf Adam, and a nephew at noon today.
Derek checked in with us last night. We'll do an early Gordon family Christmas on Dec 18 since he and Gaby are leaving for Lima on Dec 21. This will be a wedding planning trip for them. And I've agreed to pay for their dinner at Huaca Pucllana if they'll do some advance work for me at the site. When they return from Lima on January 7, Gaby's sister Beatriz will be with them. She's working on a veterinary degree and it's summer in Peru. So she's going to stay in the U.S. and shadow animal husbandry during those 2 months. Beatriz will also be our Lima hostess when I take my class so it will be good to get to know her better than we currently do. Two weeks in early February she will be here in Fort Smith with us while Derek and Gab are still in OKC. She'll be working at the farm with the cattle.
So we're busy and I'm tired. But only 3 more days of hard work this coming week and I can throttle back until January 4. Then it's all hands on deck as more contractual training for businesses gets started, regular teaching is back on, and I'm back to taking 2 classes of doctoral work.
My hairdresser of 10 years is moving to Dallas. She keeps reminding me this doctorate is for my grandkids. The ones I don't have yet. So that I can find work in South America if that's where they are living. It's a good plan. Maybe I'll start working on my Spanish again during this break from studying.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Catching up
Let's see... It was a busy week. Dad got discharged late on Wednesday night and has been home now recuperating as best he can. His 1 new med for the presumed fungal infection (mold) in his lungs is $974 (nine hundred seventy four dollars, no typo) AFTER insurance. The doc said he would be on it a long time... that price was for a 30 day supply. That's just nuts.
We go back to the doc on Tuesday to see first the infectious disease doc and then the pulmonologist. Hopefully there is news of some sort. Just news would be good.
As for my life, I'm slowly coming back down to earth. My 2 papers are written and submitted. I have an enormous final on Dec 11. Three hours of time permitted in a proctored setting. I have no clue what the material is anymore. I think the crisis of my dad's health erased my memory because every bit of it is foreign to me now. I no longer remember the formulas or how to do what on the graphing calculator. So tomorrow I am going to my office to hole up away from society. If I can get in 8 hours of rock hard study... and then maybe another 4 hours Monday.... and continue with 2 hours or so each night... then a full day on Friday. Hopefully I can pull a C out of the magician's hat. That's all I need to get this class done. But but but.... the last time I had a test I'd been up all night with dad in ICU so who knows if he'll make it through this week healthy or not. It's a precarious situation but I'll just have to plug on ahead.
The rest of my sloppy joe today involves my almost grown kids. Well, I guess they are grown. Derek and Gaby have been here since yesterday and will go back to OKC in the morning (just in time for me to go study). Jill has been helping Adam readjust to life post-Afghanistan and get settled in his apartment. He'll find out next week if he gets into my university. Hopefully he can get a few semesters completed before he gets sent off to a war again. Poor guy is 24 but has been able to get any more than 1 semester of college completed because he's been sent to Iraq and then back to stateside and then to Afghanistan. Maybe this time his luck will be better. Not that he wasn't lucky -- not a single casualty in his unit. But the interruption to his education is the most frustrating for him.
The light in my tunnel (not at the end) is the trip we're planning for students next May. Working at a dig site in Peru gives me plenty of more interesting busy work when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. In fact, just sitting here now I can say -- wow, I'll have another semester behind my in this doctoral program by the time May rolls around. And Jill is going with me. Even her bf Adam may apply to go since the course is approved for his major.
And so it goes... another day lived quite fully. I'm tired and out of hangers. So no ironing tonight for me!
We go back to the doc on Tuesday to see first the infectious disease doc and then the pulmonologist. Hopefully there is news of some sort. Just news would be good.
As for my life, I'm slowly coming back down to earth. My 2 papers are written and submitted. I have an enormous final on Dec 11. Three hours of time permitted in a proctored setting. I have no clue what the material is anymore. I think the crisis of my dad's health erased my memory because every bit of it is foreign to me now. I no longer remember the formulas or how to do what on the graphing calculator. So tomorrow I am going to my office to hole up away from society. If I can get in 8 hours of rock hard study... and then maybe another 4 hours Monday.... and continue with 2 hours or so each night... then a full day on Friday. Hopefully I can pull a C out of the magician's hat. That's all I need to get this class done. But but but.... the last time I had a test I'd been up all night with dad in ICU so who knows if he'll make it through this week healthy or not. It's a precarious situation but I'll just have to plug on ahead.
The rest of my sloppy joe today involves my almost grown kids. Well, I guess they are grown. Derek and Gaby have been here since yesterday and will go back to OKC in the morning (just in time for me to go study). Jill has been helping Adam readjust to life post-Afghanistan and get settled in his apartment. He'll find out next week if he gets into my university. Hopefully he can get a few semesters completed before he gets sent off to a war again. Poor guy is 24 but has been able to get any more than 1 semester of college completed because he's been sent to Iraq and then back to stateside and then to Afghanistan. Maybe this time his luck will be better. Not that he wasn't lucky -- not a single casualty in his unit. But the interruption to his education is the most frustrating for him.
The light in my tunnel (not at the end) is the trip we're planning for students next May. Working at a dig site in Peru gives me plenty of more interesting busy work when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. In fact, just sitting here now I can say -- wow, I'll have another semester behind my in this doctoral program by the time May rolls around. And Jill is going with me. Even her bf Adam may apply to go since the course is approved for his major.
And so it goes... another day lived quite fully. I'm tired and out of hangers. So no ironing tonight for me!
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