How about my mother telling me she's going to knock my teeth out? If she had her vision and could move on her own, I would be worried. But she doesn't. While I love my mother with my whole being, I sure don't like her. Her condition is so deteriorated that she is miserable. Her mind doesn't work well quite a bit of the time so we have to take it with a grain of salt. But salt in a wound burns. And sometimes -- many times -- she is exhausting and hurtful. She'd be appalled if she knew how she was which is the only saving grace in this journey. I know she isn't who she really is.
Yesterday when I stopped by to check on them, she was picking fights. My dad holds her hand (he's commanded to do so) and then takes her nitpicking him mercilessly. His expressions was exhaustion and tears. I remember in the hospital last week how much better he looked. It's clear that my mother both physically and emotionally wears him out. I am torn about the idea of placing her in a home. She gripes about the care we give her but I know in a home she'd be placed in an adult undergarment, and not be cared for as she's used to being cared for. No doubt she her white count would sky rocket and she'd end up in one organ failure or another rather quickly.
So we carry on. Yesterday she had Dad calling to order pecans... 3 large bags from one of the specialty nut companies on the east coast. She heckled him while he was on the phone so he finally told the person he'd have to call back. When he got off the phone, she denied doing such. Lori asked her why she needed pecans and she said to bake. Dad asked her how in the hell she was going to bake and she said she forgot she was blind. This is the world we live in. How in the damn world can a person forget he or she is blind? But then she sees some movement and could detect Lori nudging Dad's foot to go along with her.
My maternal grandfathers was a mean man when he was old. But he too was sick. He'd eat early and go to bed before sunset. This is my mother now. If I arrive at their house by 6:30, they are in bed with the tv on. She's taken to pouting as well. When she gets mad and isn't being given adequate attention, she uses her lift chair to stand up, then uses her walker to go to the bedroom away from us all. She's antisocial with us but still craves attention of outsiders. Sadly, few come to visit. She isn't mean to them at all but they are all busy and its easy to ignore a shut-in. Did I just say my mother is a shut-in?
Yesterday she told my dad it's time for her to put her plan in action. He was forbidden from telling us what that plan may be. I can only speculate but it hurts too much to go very far down that road. Instead I'll be very busy today planning his doc appointments and lab work for next week and arranging my work schedule around it. I also need to purchase him a new pulse ox reader. I need to call about respite care on the outside hope that a weekend a month at a facility will help the situation. I need to take his drug paperwork to another doctor and see about ordering a refill of that $3k Vfend. Someday, I'll rest.
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