Hiding

I feel ashamed. I am hiding at home tonight rather than going to see my parents.  I am exhausted from 26 days of gainful employment wedged in between caring for parents and running them to one place or another. I am behind in my own work.  My house is a wreck and bills have gone unpaid.  Did I mention I'm taking 2 classes myself?   The hardest of the two hasn't seen my eyes since October 1.  What I had learned up to that point I can no longer remember.  I'm exhausted.  I feel guilty -- after all, the fourth commandment is Honor They Mother and Thy Father.  And the 7 corporal works of mercy command me to care for the sick, visit the shut-ins, feed the hungry.  But I didn't see the part that said it's ok to stop and breathe once in a while.  But I know that I have to.

Milestones today?  None really.  My sister relented and gave Dad his keys.  Though the doctor said he couldn't drive, the incessant demands from both parents for the keys to be returned finally wore my sister down.  She lives with them and couldn't stand the inquisition any longer.  My mother has manipulated a doctor into seeing her on Friday.  None of us can take her to an eye doctor this week as I already took her to her cardiologist and we're splitting time tomorrow taking Dad to get his esophagus stretched.  The sitter we hired seems to be of little use though she came highly recommended. I suspect it's because they tell her not to do things and the like. But she was hired to help Mom with her daily hygiene and to take meds.  She's also supposed to vacuum on Tuesdays, tidy the kitchen each day, and change the bedsheets on Thursday.  Though she's there from 9 - 2 there is no midday meal being provided.  I'm confused about why they think this is acceptable. But I'm too tired to argue over it.

A strange thing happened at work today.  A lady asked if she could pray for me.  I told her of course she could.  There in front of about 70 people she laid her hands on me and prayed aloud.  It wasn't uncomfortable.  Every few seconds I'd feel warm like the eternal force was reaching me but then the chill of exhaustion would push the warm aside. 

I spoke at a conference today.  I saw an old friend of my parents. I thanked her for visiting my Dad in the hospital and taking him Holy Communion.  She was touched that he thought enough of her visit to mention it to me. I'm glad it made her feel good.  Those kind of people -- the ones who help those of us who suffer feel a little better about out plight -- those kind of people are special.   And rare.

Today I called about getting Mom's chair retrofitted to be assistant driven.  We'd tried that before but I guess the company from whom the chair was purchased didn't quite understand what we were trying to do.  For the life of me, I don't know why they didn't.  But several hundred dollars later, the modification that first company made doesn't work.  We could have used that money to fire up the grill for burgers as far as the expense is concerned.  Perhaps this other company will have the right answer.

Today I am angry. And sad. But mostly very tired.