What a tumultuous month this has been.  One month ago, we were burglarized while we slept.  Today they finally dusted the window and lifted a print.

Today my sister took our father to see his doctor.  My dad was discharged 4 days ago after nearing dying on October 1.  He spent 17 days on a ventilator and other life support systems.  This morning while shaving, he fell and struck his head.  Shaving wasn't really shaving, however.  He was in the office not the bathroom and using an electric toothbruth not a razor.  Heck, he doesn't even have an electric razor.

Today my mother looked lovely and was lucid. She seems to be enjoying her "care giving" role reversal. Though she can't really see, she thinks she's helping to care for dad now.  We'll humor her with that one.

Today I looked at the gun I had slipped out from between my parents' mattresses last night so that I would sleep better knowing my mentally diminished father wouldn't have a delusion and need to use a gun. The gun belonged to my great uncle.  He came about it when being housed by the French Underground after escaping from a POW train headed to a camp after D-Day.  He and other U.S. soldiers were hidden in a farm family's attic when they saw an SS member slip into the barn where the old grandparent had gone to milk the cow.  This uncle slipped into the same barn and killed the soldier before he could kill the old man.  I wondered while holding the gun if it had been used to kill any of Jewish people, homosexuals, resistors or Allied troops.

Today I procrastinated about the work I needed to do as part of my doctoral studies.  I wondered if it really matters whether or not I complete the program.  I wondered how I would pay bills with the paycheck I draw from my now underemployed role in society.  Lest you be confused, I am not under worked but rather under compensated. I don't like working for the government where a person isn't rewarded on merit but on some arbitrary system.

Life is sloppy. It's confusing.  Whether it is divine providence or the luck of the draw, today I wondered why some people clearly have an easy path while others encounter obstacle after obstacle.  Postive affect is how I describe my family.  Regardless of what is thrown our way, we remain upbeat and plow ahead.  Why is it that those who have it so much better or easier than we do... why is it they lament or squander their situations?

Today I will go to my parents to visit them as is the routine these days. I will answer the same questions I've answered dozens of times. I will follow my blind, crippled mother to and from the restroom and help her with the tasks she must accomplish along that short journey.  I will help my dad remember how to change channels on his remote control.  I will pilfer the mail and throw out solicitations for donations. I will ask myself again is it time to move them to a nursing facility.  Today I will put my parents to bed.  I will remove my mothers brace and tuck it beneath the bedside commode.  I will hand her the electric toothbrush and a spit-tray.  I will tuck my parents in and kiss them and bless them.   Then I will cry all the way home.


Today.  At least I have today.

Life is sloppy.